And yes, I was blissfully ignorant to the idea that something would happen to my unborn child, that in an instance his heart would stop beating and along with it my life, my happiness, and my hopes and dreams. Yes I knew there was possibly going to be something wrong with my baby, but I held the naive thought that everything would fix itself..that everything would be fine.
My life before the 18th January is a distant land, a land I know I will never get back too..the land of hope, of dreams, of a family I so dearly wanted.
I'm living a nightmare, but this is my life, a life that when I brought my little boy home, he came in a tiny pewter urn, a life that pain is a constant, loneliness and emptiness is inevitable, and where the whole world seems to be going in fast forward and I'm standing perfectly still.
The day I learned that my sons heart had stopped, so did my world, my heart shattered into a million unfixable pieces, and I was looked at with sorrow.
I need to accept that this is my life now, I will never be the same, and there is always going to be a piece of my heart missing, because my beautiful little boy took a piece as he flew off to heaven..
Tara, it takes a long time to feel like it's even remotely possible that life might keep going. It will never be the same, of course it can't, now that pieces of you are missing. But your new normal, the normal that is always bitter sweet because it should include Cooper, will begin to emerge. I'm sending you strength, although you are stronger than you think, and hope, although you have hope deep down, and patience, because it will take time. Cooper matters to lots of people xxx
ReplyDelete