Letter to Cooper

This was a letter that I wrote to Cooper a couple of days after he passed, and was read by our beautiful celebrant at Coopers funeral.

To my beautiful son Cooper,

It’s so hard to believe that for 21 weeks I carried you inside me, and that daddy and I could conceive such a perfect and beautiful little being. I still remember so clearly the day that daddy and I found out I was pregnant, we were so excited to be starting our family, and you were such a loved little baby right from the start, not just from mummy and daddy but from the whole family. We began to dream of what you would be like, of all the plans we would make, all the things we would do as a family, of how happy we would be, just the three of us.

As you began to grow inside me we heard your tiny heart beating so strongly, we never imagined that something could be wrong, at 13 weeks you seemed so perfect, you measured perfectly your heart beat was strong and we were so excited as we announced to the world that we were expecting you!

20 weeks came, and we were told something was just not right, your heart beat was strong so I had hope that everything would be ok, that you were strong enough to withstand anything, that the doctors would tell us a week later that everything was going to be ok.

I was 21 weeks when they told daddy and I that you had slipped away, My heart broke as all my dreams, hopes and wishes for our family, for you and for your future were torn away in an instant. I have never felt such pain as I wished that there was something I could have done, some way I could have known that you were slipping away from us, some way that I could have saved you, and kept you here with us, kept you healthy and growing inside my womb, so that you never had to leave us before we knew you.

It all seemed such a blur as they told me I was to give birth to you and on the Friday 20^th January, you arrived, never the way I expected it would be. As the midwife put you on my chest, daddy and I wept for you; you looked so peaceful just as if you were sleeping. You were so perfect in every single way; you had daddy’s shaped head, which housed your perfect little features, you had the cutest little nose and mouth I had ever seen. Your little fingers were curled up into tiny little fists, and you had such long arms and legs you were going to be such a tall boy and probably tower over me! We couldn’t get over your perfect little feet, that weren’t really so little, with there tiny little creases of skin and your beautiful long toes that curled over just like daddy’s! You even inherited my freakishly long second toe, but its ok, we were going to be “special” together! As a whole you were the most beautiful thing that both I and daddy had ever laid eyes upon, every tiny piece of you was so perfectly defined, so beautiful and so real.

I wish you got to meet your daddy, he would have been the best daddy you could have ever hoped for, he loves you with every inch off his body and wishes you were still here with us. Your daddy is the most loving, caring and compassionate person you would have ever met, and as you grew you would have been so proud to call him your dad.

My beautiful little angel, I would do anything to have you back in mine and daddy’s arms, to see your chest rise and fall from your rhythmic breathe, to see your little lips move into a smile, to watch you grow, begin to crawl and take your first steps. I long to hold you and have you close, and no one will ever understand the pain I feel knowing I will never get to see you grow, that I will never hear you call me mum, and that I will never get to cuddle you tightly and tell you how much I love you.

My heart breaks every time I think of you, every time I see your photo I long for you, you were my first baby and I wanted you more than anything in this world, I would have done everything in my power to be the best mother possible for you, I would have done anything just to keep you here with us. I can’t help but wonder what we ever did to loose you, why you were taken from us. I know I should think that your probably in a better place, that maybe you just weren’t meant for this earth, that someone up there is looking after you, but it still hurts to know that I cant have you here with me.

 I never imagined that this would happen to us; I never imagined that I would loose you before you even came. All I ever wanted was the chance to be your mum and to show you just how much you mean to me, but that’s been taken away from me, but nobody can ever take away the love I feel for you, and that love will never change for as long as I shall live. You will always be my first little baby boy, and my everything.

Cooper, you are my little angel, too special for this earth, you took a piece of my heart when you left me, and you will never be forgotten, please watch over daddy and I.

I love you my beautiful boy, forever and always

Love mummy.